Friend or Foe?

Ever feel defensive, stressed or constantly annoyed by a so-called friend? If so, you may have a "frenemy" situation on your hands.

So what exactly is a "frenemy"? It is a supposed friend who constantly tramples on your good mood in some way, shape or form. We're not talking about the occasional bad day here. This is a "friend" who always brings a dark cloud designed especially for you and makes it her business to place it above your head.

As quoted in a WebMD article, Florence Isaacs, author of "Toxic Friends/True Friends" states, "a toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and often unequal... Toxic friends stress you out, use you, are unreliable, are overly demanding, and don't give anything back."

Dania*, 25, had what she now realizes was a toxic friend. "I really thought it was a genuine friendship until the snide remarks and backhanded comments began," says Dania. "I would prepare myself mentally before hanging out with her, and I would always find myself annoyed whenever I was around her. But I always felt hesitant about making a big deal over it, so I would just let it all slide."

Women, for the most part, are socialized to be the givers. They are supposed to be sweet, caring, emotional, understanding and patient. This can be problematic, though, when it comes to dealing with frenemies.

As a result, women may find ways to rationalize the venom that friends have shot their way and, oftentimes, lines aren't drawn because they are too worried about causing conflict. They want to keep the peace and they want to be liked. In short, too many women end up taking kindness, understanding and patience way too far, usually at their own expense.

Yet, for every female who is too nice for her own good, you have those whose behavior can only be defined as shady. Since women are taught to be more passive, their true intentions often go under wraps, making way for the indirect cattiness that is so typical of a frenemy.

According to Lisa*, 34, "I always had a strange feeling about this one friend. I could sense that she didn't really like me very much but I gave her the benefit of the doubt until she blatantly disrespected me one day. When I finally mustered the energy to confront her about it, my suspicions were confirmed. I guess that explains her catty ways. My only regret was ignoring my instincts and waiting so long to ditch her."

Breaking up with a female friend can be far more difficult and complicated than breaking up with a boyfriend. We are often made to feel that there is so much more at stake when leaving a friend, primarily because we are so used to the notion that men come and go but friends should last a lifetime.

What is there to salvage when a friendship borders on abusive? There are ads everywhere urging women to walk away from boyfriends and husbands who are verbally, physically, mentally or emotionally abusive but there is almost nothing on how to deal with a friend who might be just as hurtful.

It may be time for women to redefine their views on friendship.

"Sugar and spice, and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of." Interestingly, this is a dilemma that seems to affect females mostly. Men may certainly have friendships that can be considered toxic, but they usually take on a different form.

Steven*, 22, states, "Sometimes, we have to deal with certain people because that is who our best friend is dating, despite the fact that we will never like them. Would I ever willingly forge or maintain a friendship with someone I consider toxic, though? No."

David*, 29, claims that frenemies aren't an issue for men, "We don't stress petty stuff the way women do. If I don't like you, I won't deal with you. Simple."

"Sure, I've had toxic friendships but I guess it depends on how you define toxic. For guys, it's usually friends who dare you into committing crime. I almost got killed with one friend, yet he's one of the best friends I've had," says Ignacio, 35.

Most toxic female friendships but probably won't land you in jail but they can definitely threaten your mental and emotional well-being.

Of course, one cannot forget to mention the word "drama" when discussing frenemies. Sunita, 25, has her own unique theory when it comes to the inevitable drama that goes along with these pseudo-friendships:

"When it comes to friendships, I've noticed after some point, most all-girl relationships wind up turning into 'The Hills'. There are Spencers who break them up, Heidis to make it 'all about themselves', Los to show up from the past to remind you who you are, and unassuming-not-so-bright Audrinas who wind up getting used as pawns. Meanwhile you are LC just trying to stay loyal and figure it out, only to realize too late your life has turned into drama and everybody's watching."

"I've learned to stay away from the frenemies," Sunita adds. "I try and keep friends around. Acquaintances, not so much."

So what should one do about a toxic friend? All the expert advice in the world may not provide you with the perfect answer. Perhaps, it’s best to start with the guilt factor. Ask yourself why it is that you have allowed this person into your life and why it has been so difficult to approach the situation.

Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. If you keep feeling badly about ending a friendship, how will you ever manage to get out of it? Quit making excuses for her.

Once you come to terms with that, kick your “frenemy” to the curb and go make some real friends.

*Name has been changed.

Claudia Frias/Terra USA